Survived the PAINSTORM!

• Category: Experiments, Journal
• Date: 6.6.09

Today was the day. Sir Adam of Morden was back from a week excursion to Cali, hitting up many a Crossfit Affiliate, as well as learning some valuable tips on Olympic lifting from Coach Burgner, so it was time… Time for the PAINSTORM!

As far as I’ve gathered, it began with a couple crazy Scotsmen out at an affiliate gym in Scotland. Once a month they’d come up with some insane workout, in crossfit fashion (although highly exaggerated), and have volunteers from their gym participate. The trend caught on, and Crossfit HQ decided to add it to the main-site WODs. So now, as far as I know, on the 1st of every month these guys toss out a new one for everybody to enjoy.

June’s PAINSTORM looked like a lot of fun, however Coach Morden decided to switch it up and do his own thing for it. We had elements of the official one in there too though.

The workout spanned a couple hours, and I most certainly will forget large portions of it (or rather block it from my memory). But he’s my recallection…

First off, there were 5 of us- Debbie, Jane, James, Kevin, and myself. All game, and all a little excited yet nervous haha.

Adam gave a great speech before we began. Telling us that there will be much suffering- mental, physical, and verbal. And reminding us that this is entirely voluntary, even showing us a cute little bell he brought along for us to ring if we’ve had enough. Lastly he brought out a stamp set, all of which we pictures of cats… The Pussy Stamps- given to those you are being pussies haha. He also told us that should he or Marla say the word Burpee we are to yell in unison “YAY BURPEES!” or else we are to do them.

Not starting off well, during Adam’s speech he said “burpees” 5 times, and none of us yelled, thus giving us 25 burpees right out of the gate. Then it was off for a run around the building (roughly 400m). Got back, grabbed a partner and fireman’s or piggy-backed them 100m then switched, followed up with partner wheel-barrows 20 feet or so and switch. Then it was laps of animal movements. 3 lengths of the gym (maybe 15-20 feet each) of bear crawl, crab walk, and walking push ups. I think our warm up ended there.

Next thing, well it was certainly interesting. 2 people at a time, overhead carrying a rower around the building, stopping halfway to blast out a 400m row each before returning around the rest of the building. Once inside we moved on to sit ups (followed by push ups, then pull ups on the next rounds) while the next people went. Each person got to carry the rower twice.

During Kevin’s push ups I believe, Adam was taunting him with the bell. Kevin ceased his push ups, walked over to the bell, grabbed it from Adam, and threw it in the garbage – HA! It was awesome to say the least.

During my push ups, Marla was kind enough to tell Adam I was in need of my pussy stamp virginity to be popped, and he did so with a smile haha.

After all that fun, I recall another lap around the building. Upon re-entering the gym, and shortly after several more burpees, we had an extra long Tabata round of kettlebell figure 8s (holding a squat with the KB hanging during the rest periods), followed by a second extra long Tabata round of bottom to bottom squats (with your rest being held at the bottom position of the squat). Then another 2 laps if I remember correctly.

The figure 8s are fucken brutal on your lower back. Needless to say I had many a pussy stamps by the end of that haha.

Back inside, with bars ready to be deadlifted. The women ready with 135lbs, and the men ready with 225lbs (later getting raised by an eager Adam to 245 and 275). Diane was the lovely lady we had ahead of ourselves- deadlifts and handstand push ups (with optional regular push ups instead) at a rep scheme of 21-15-9. After the fact I was disappointed with myself, however at the moment my shoulders were still fried from that OH rower crap, so I pussied out and went with regular push ups. I know I know, leave me alone haha.

Another couple laps. Arriving back with our bars now setup with 95lbs for the boys, and 65lbs for the gals. Good old Fran was up. As a few of my clients would say: “that 2-bit whore!”.

Fran, for those of you not lucky enough to have met her, is 21-15-9 of 95lbs Thrusters (basically a Front Squat into a Push Press) and Pull ups. As Adam laughs, he starts the count down, saying here’s our chance to get on the board- record board for the gym, kept on a white board, brings out the competitive nature more, as well as making the workouts more fun and more like competition/sport. I finished Fran in 9 minutes and some-odd seconds.

Lots of sweet, some blood, unfortunately no puke, and a shitload of burpees later, Painstorm was done. We were are tired, but kinda sad it was over too. We were all in agreement that this should definitely be a monthly occurrence here at the gym. It’s fun to go overboard every now and then, keep those egos in check, and get an extra hard mental workout.

I’m pumped for next months craziness. We have a few logs out back waiting for us, part of a massive old tree the boys cut up at James’ house. And Adam’s got plenty of time to think up some twisted shit to do with them. Until then…

KEEP FIT, AND HAVE FUN! *cue weirdo flamboyant 80’s fitness music*

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